i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
