Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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