She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
