Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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