I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
