I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
