I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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