Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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