My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
