I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
