My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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