$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
