He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i love accidental penises.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
