in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
being pregnant is like rehab
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Drake has all the answers
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
