All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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