I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
