If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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