In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
