No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
