Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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