I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
