apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
