A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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