Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
