Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
