im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
nutella sex= disaster
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
