Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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