I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
