no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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