Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
