Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
