You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So drunk its hurt
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
