I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
