I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
