If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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