My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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