Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
