This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
