I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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