I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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