You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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