somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
