i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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