one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
