don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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