1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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