I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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