if you like me you must not know who I am
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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