I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
