i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
