somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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