I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
